Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
