fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
