When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
