More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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