Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
