apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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