I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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