just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
