I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
