I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
