I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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