I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
