I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
