She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
