It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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