I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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