She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
