Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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