in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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