I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
