the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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