that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
