My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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