Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
