you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
