I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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