a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
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