i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
