My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
