Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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