if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
