Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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