I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
