I'm eating all of the evidence.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You may now shotgun with the bride
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
