I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
