you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize