i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
