tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
