so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
