I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
