All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
