I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
