first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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