you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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