Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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