And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
