Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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