was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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