i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
