i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
