I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
