"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize