Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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