I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
