Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
