Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
