Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
