Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Someone shit on the floor
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
