the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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