My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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