we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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