So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Someone came in the potted fern
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
