Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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