you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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