He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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