You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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