"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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