sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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