I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
