Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Can I color on your dick again?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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