The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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