Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
