I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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